Thursday, June 23, 2011

My seriously international readership

Well it seems I've been getting more traffic than I've been expecting!

This is not going to have anything to do with my insecurity. But I assure you, I am nowhere near out of ideas yet. And since I am so grateful about my diverse and exciting traffic, I want to take a post to thank you all for your awesomeness. (And I have a feeling I might offend some people, so I am going to be building some great fodder for future posts with this piece. So don't worry. I'm still me.)

Here are some random happy things about my traffic: I have had 358 page views, from four different countries. Bordering four different oceans and in three continents! Guys, the only ocean I'm even missing is the Antarctic and I'm pretty sure that the scientists down there are way too busy doing science to read my blog. So they're forgiven. Keep on doing your science, guys. And don't pollute the place, cause we'll need the glaciers for water some day. Like, next Tuesday, probably.

Predictably, the large majority of those 358 page views came from the Great White North. But I've also gotten seven page views from the US, five views from Germany and three from Djibouti. Djibouti, guys! And I realized I feel bad because there are now three Djiboutians who know a little bit about me and I know absolutely nothing about Djibouti. So today, I will be honouring each nationality that has read my blog by doing a little research on you. I will list some things that make your country better than mine, and one thing that I didn't previously know about your country. Read on!

United States of America

I've got to say, I'm a little disappointed in you, America. I've only had seven page views from you. And that's more than any other country outside Canada, sure, I've read, like, tons of your blogs. Maybe you could reciprocate a little bit? Pay it forward? Participate in international blog diplomacy? Just sayin'. 

Anyway, things are often tense between us, America. Canada and America's relationship status is more or less permanently set to "it's complicated." You see, you guys just think you're so much better than us. What with your power and your military and your money and your Hollywood. And you haven't let us play with the Stanley Cup since 1993, which is just rude. Isn't it time you learned to share? I mean, it was ours first.

However, I'm a little bit afraid of nuclear war so I will not use this space to insult America further. Honestly, your hot dogs rule and your beaches are way nicer than ours, and you have one whole extra colour in your flag, and people might make fun of your cars, but we don't even have cars. You did give the world Matthew McCoughnahey, which was disappointing, but you more than made up for it with Jon Hamm. (Besides, who are we to talk? I'm so sorry about Celine.)

But I have to do my research now, so I am going to find out at least one thing about America that I didn't know before. OK, here goes...yes! So, apparently the highest proportion of your radio stations (19%) were country stations in 2007, but the highest proportion of CD's sold (32%) were of the rock variety. This is intriguing. I have no further comment except to say that I guess South Park was right about America.


I have to admit I know very little about Djibouti. Prior to writing this, I knew Djibouti was a country in Africa and that was pretty much it. So. I've done my research.

I now know that Djibouti is in northeast Africa, bordering the Red Sea and near Somalia and Ethiopia. It is very small. The capital is also called Djibouti, which did not seem very original at first, but then I remembered that I'm from Kanata, Canada so I should probably not say anything. The official languages are Arabic and French, so we share a language! Bonjour, mes amis!

From what I've read, it seems that Djibouti suffers from very little light pollution and you can see far more stars there than you can in most other countries of the world. That is pretty fucking cool, Djiboutians. You're also well known for your scuba diving and I'm pretty sure no one has ever come to Canada for that purpose except maybe international diving tourists, and they probably started here to get it out of the way first. You're definitely better at heat than Canada and you are one of the hottest countries in the world. But most countries are better than Canada at the "heat" thing, so I guess that's not too exciting, and being one of the hottest countries in the world actually sounds kind of you know what? We can probably bond over this. We can have a "Who has worse weather?" competition. I see your heat wave, and I raise you a motherfucking ice storm '98. And don't worry, we'll moderate the contest in French. Merci!


This one will be a little bit easier than Djibouti, because I know a thing or two about Germany. And don't worry - I promise I won't make a Nazi joke, because you're probably pretty much just looking forward to the day when German =/= Nazi anymore.

Germany is the biggest country in Europe, which is pretty cool and I did not know that before. Well, France is the biggest geographically, but you have more people - so France is the biggest fish in a small pond, but you're the most powerful. Take that, stupide poisson!

You guys are well-known for sausage and beer. We're pretty good at beer too in Canada, so I don't really think I can patriotically say you're better at beer, but you certainly have more international brands. And you're definitely better at sausage. My vegetarian friend is visiting you this summer and she said she's actually going to practise eating meat beforehand so that she can handle all the sausage she's going to have to consume in Germany. And there are so, so many sex jokes to make about that, I don't even know where to begin, so I'm just going to ignore it and carry on.

You guys also have a badass coat of arms. Look at this thing. This is not a coat of arms you want to mess with. Your coat of arms has a fist-pumping, bicep-flexing eagle. And it's sticking its tongue out at the whole world! Jesus, that eagle has attitude. I am afraid of that eagle and I'm guessing it will eat all the little Canadian beavers and puke them up just so it can eat them again. Your coat of arms kicks ours' ass. Minimalism, Canada: we can learn a thing or two from that trademark German efficiency.


OK, I wasn't sure what I was going to write for something I didn't know about Canada, but now it's fucking easy: There is a UNICORN on our coat of arms! Holy crap! How did I never notice this before? Seriously, what the fuck? I'm really torn over whether this is awesome or terrible. I mean, unicorns rule. And this unicorn in particular is vicious. It is also sticking its tongue out - at a lion. But it raises the question: What the hell are two animals that have nothing to do with Canada whatsoever doing on our coat of arms? I'm pretty sure that lions are not native to the land of ice and snow. And unicorns are only native to rainbows and dreams, everyone knows that. And it's not just that they're not native to Canada; I think they might both be perverts. They're humping the big circle thing. And who finds circles sexy?

I obviously can't list something that makes Canada better than Canada, cause duh. But I can list some things that make Canada better than the US, Germany, and Djibouti:

-You can buy delicious, delicious beaver tails a couple blocks from my office.
-We have a lot more water.
-There is a far greater per-capita Wayne Gretzky ratio.
-We have more time zones.
-The Canadians who have read my blog are actually here on purpose, rather than accidentally stumbling upon it whilst googling the social habits of caterpillars for a school project.

I, personally, take great pride in our vast number of time zones. Nothing could better reflect the wondrous diversity of this country. I mean, right now, it's 3:30. But in Vancouver, it's 12:30. And in Newfoundland, it's 5:00. *tears of patriotism course down my dirty, Labatt-smeared cheeks*


So, there you have it. I have dedicated a whole blog post to honouring my readership. I hope that you will all continue reading my blog and loving it and maybe, even, trying to pass the word on to other countries. I could really use some southern hemisphere readers, too.

Will you throw me a bone here, Argentina?

1 comment:

  1. Helene sent me here :) but I like your writing style and I've certainly learnt something new so I guess I'm staying!
    On another note, I have eternal jealousy of places with low light pollution. That sounds like a weird thing to say, but it's true...I want to see the stars for real, not my pale city approximations of them.

    And hey, beer. Beer's cool.