I have been trying to think of an appropriately holiday-themed topic for my blog post this week, but I couldn't come up with anything. I was writing about the stupid War on Christmas bullshit that is the most useless movement in the history of life (people, saying Happy Holidays is not an insult to Christians) but it was getting long and preachy and not very exciting.
As I was writing it, though, I remembered a funny little story from my childhood. And what's more Christmassy than a story about childlike curiosity, youthful naivety and friendship? I can't help but chuckle to myself as I'm writing it, so I hope you think it's funny too.
When I was a kid, around nine or ten years old, I got a pen pal through one of those Let's All Be Friends and Hold Hands With Kids Around The World type programs. It didn't last long - maybe two letters each - before we stopped caring about each other. My pen pal was a little girl from New York who I'm sure was a very nice person despite our general indifference to continue the letter-writing friendship after the novelty wore off.
I don't remember her name, but I'll pretend it is Hannah. One of the first things Hannah told me about herself in her initial letter to me was that she was Jewish. I found that very exotic and exciting. I didn't know many Jewish people and, because I was nine and stupid, I figured that she probably didn't know many Christians or much about Christianity.
I was curious about Judaism. I knew that Jews celebrated some sort of weeklong holiday called Hannukah around the same time that us Gentiles were waiting for Santa, but I didn't know anything about Hannukah or what Jewish holiday traditions were like.
I wanted to ask her, but I thought it would be rude to just ask her for information and not give her any of my own. We were pen pals, after all; it was all about getting to know one another, and sharing parts of you with someone else in the name of cultural harmony and yada yada yada. So I figured that, if I was going to ask her what Hannukah was like, I should tell her about Christmas.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Pros and Cons of Partial Hearing Loss
Warning (to most people) and/or selling point (for ten-year-old boys and people who have the mentality of ten-year-old boys): There are gross medical pictures in this post.
I've mentioned a couple of times now that I am hard of hearing. When I was a little kid - three or four - I started developping chronic, really bad ear infections. Ear infections are bad news bears, guys; they should never be neglected. Sadly, no one told my family doctor this, so despite my parents's repeated concerns that this wasn't normal, the doctor kept brushing it off and refusing to do anything about it. He is awful. So very awful. I will call him Dr. Awful. Eventually, my infections were so bad that even Dr. Awful finally acknowledged that maybe I needed to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist. But it was too late: the problems has progressed beyond the point of antibiotics and bedrest.
My new ENT doctor, who I will call Dr. Awesome, determined that I had a condition called cholesteatoma. (Yes, I definitely spelled that wrong at first.)Cholesteatoma is a specific type of skin cyst that forms on the eardrum. It's a fucking asshole and should probably die.
If you want to learn more about cholesteatoma, here you go, but unless you are a doctor, biologist, or Trekkie, that Wikipedia page might as well be written in Klingon. I'll try and dumb it down, although I am not a doctor myself and most of this went on when I was too young to really get it, so my own interpretation is probably a bit off.
I've mentioned a couple of times now that I am hard of hearing. When I was a little kid - three or four - I started developping chronic, really bad ear infections. Ear infections are bad news bears, guys; they should never be neglected. Sadly, no one told my family doctor this, so despite my parents's repeated concerns that this wasn't normal, the doctor kept brushing it off and refusing to do anything about it. He is awful. So very awful. I will call him Dr. Awful. Eventually, my infections were so bad that even Dr. Awful finally acknowledged that maybe I needed to see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) specialist. But it was too late: the problems has progressed beyond the point of antibiotics and bedrest.
My new ENT doctor, who I will call Dr. Awesome, determined that I had a condition called cholesteatoma. (Yes, I definitely spelled that wrong at first.)Cholesteatoma is a specific type of skin cyst that forms on the eardrum. It's a fucking asshole and should probably die.
If you want to learn more about cholesteatoma, here you go, but unless you are a doctor, biologist, or Trekkie, that Wikipedia page might as well be written in Klingon. I'll try and dumb it down, although I am not a doctor myself and most of this went on when I was too young to really get it, so my own interpretation is probably a bit off.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Remembering Kids' Books
I've mentioned before that I am something of a big reader, and that I always have been.
I wasn't kidding. I learned to read at a young age, and was tested to read at a high-school level when I was just in grade five. I've won several awards and contests for my reading and writing, including a special medal for reading in kindergarten. And I'm not telling you this to brag - well, okay, I'm bragging a little. (How many of you got reading awards when you were five, bitches?) But I'm mostly just highlighting that reading and writing is kind of my thing. We all have certain skills that are natural to us, or certain hobbies that mean a lot to us; reading is mine. I can't explain why I've always been good at it, or why it's always been a favourite pastime. It's like breathing to me. I don't even remember learning how - it's like I was born knowing - and I can't imagine my life without books. My range in book tastes is pretty diverse: political non-fiction, epic adventure stories, mysteries, celebrated Canadian literature, pop horror, postmodernism, and, finally, comic books all have a home on my bookshelf.
I wasn't kidding. I learned to read at a young age, and was tested to read at a high-school level when I was just in grade five. I've won several awards and contests for my reading and writing, including a special medal for reading in kindergarten. And I'm not telling you this to brag - well, okay, I'm bragging a little. (How many of you got reading awards when you were five, bitches?) But I'm mostly just highlighting that reading and writing is kind of my thing. We all have certain skills that are natural to us, or certain hobbies that mean a lot to us; reading is mine. I can't explain why I've always been good at it, or why it's always been a favourite pastime. It's like breathing to me. I don't even remember learning how - it's like I was born knowing - and I can't imagine my life without books. My range in book tastes is pretty diverse: political non-fiction, epic adventure stories, mysteries, celebrated Canadian literature, pop horror, postmodernism, and, finally, comic books all have a home on my bookshelf.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I Am A Happy Atheist
Whoa, Caterpillar.
WHOA.
The title of this post makes no sense! An atheist is, by definition, a person who is miserable and downtrodden and suffocating in a cloud of pain. How can an atheist find joy? Isn't an atheist a person whose hard life has led them down the path of cynicism and hate?
That's how I imagine you would have read the above title if you are a TV writer. You see, TV writers hate atheists. Or, more accurately, they hate their atheist characters. It doesn't matter if they themselves are atheists, since I'm sure atheist TV writers exist. But they must be really self-loathing! Because I have yet to come across a positive portrayal of atheism on television.
WHOA.
The title of this post makes no sense! An atheist is, by definition, a person who is miserable and downtrodden and suffocating in a cloud of pain. How can an atheist find joy? Isn't an atheist a person whose hard life has led them down the path of cynicism and hate?
That's how I imagine you would have read the above title if you are a TV writer. You see, TV writers hate atheists. Or, more accurately, they hate their atheist characters. It doesn't matter if they themselves are atheists, since I'm sure atheist TV writers exist. But they must be really self-loathing! Because I have yet to come across a positive portrayal of atheism on television.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Things That Shouldn't Terrify Me but Do
It's Halloween!
I missed all the rad parties this weekend, because I was at an even-radder party: Alice's wedding to Dawson!
A huge cybercongratulations goes out to Alice and Dawson, who I am sure are going to be deliriously happy together when they're not trying to avoid a mental breakdown dealing with their adorable little hellraiser. So I hope you'll join me in wishing them a very happy life together. If their wedding was any indication of how happy they'll be, then they certainly don't need any luck in that department - they've got all the love they're going to need. Anyone who knows Alice will know what a big deal it was that she managed to bag a man who was willing to participate in not one, not two, but three choreographed dance routines. These two are made for each other. <3 Cheers to the happy couple!
But, back to Halloween. I have a rather short and silly post today. I figured in the spirit of everyone's favourite scary day, I would post a few of the weirdest things that terrify me. I wonder if any of the following makes anyone else nervous?
1. Escalators
I don't know why but I always get a minor, but real, thrill when stepping on/off an escalator. Remember when you were a kid and you believed that if you didn't time your step properly, you'd get sucked into the crack that separates the escalator from the regular floor and your feet would get sliced off at the ankles and your bones would be slowly and agonizingly crushed to leave your parents weeping over your lifeless flattened body? Well, as a grown-up, those fears have been replaced by the much more reasonable "I might trip and look like a jackass" fear. But still. It's scary.
2. Stairs with holes in them
Stairs with gaps between each step should not exist. Because people who are afraid of heights (which, as I've mentioned, is an entirely legitimate fear) will believe that they will slip and fall through the cracks and die. It does not matter if I am far too large to fit through a three-inch crack. The holes also serve to remind me how high up I am, and every time I walk up those stairs (seriously, every fucking time) I grip the railing tightly and hyperventilate a little bit because I am mentally picturing the stairs crumbling under my weight and I crash to the floor beneath me with a shriek of doom.
3. Going through customs/airport security
I am fully aware that I have not packed any drugs, weapons, or foreign animals with my luggage. I know. I packed it. I'm also aware that I don't actually own any weapons or drugs, and I don't intend on bringing my cats on an airplane. But every time I go through security - every time - there's that tiny part of me that worries I forgot to take my nail file out of my purse and the security guards are going to beat me down and question me for suspected manicure terrorism, or that I somehow have an old joint from seven years ago that for some reason was in my purse I only use infrequently and I'm going to get whisked away to a Thai prison like in Brokedown Palace. It doesn't matter that I've never even been to Thailand. That's always the prison I picture.
4. That scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I where the snake in Bathilda's house jumps up and snaps at the camera
I'm not including horror movies, because those are supposed to be scary (and rarely are). But this is Harry Potter! I didn't sign up for this. It's a scary part, guys. Makes me jump every time, however-many viewings later.
5. Ordering food when stoned
I think I want to order a cheeseburger. But I don't want mustard because I don't like mustard and if the cheeseburger comes with mustard it will ruin the experience for me because I am ravenous but also suffering from hyper-sensitive taste buds at present. I am pretty sure if the cheeseburger has mustard I will throw up all over the table, even though I don't actually hate mustard all that much. But I don't even know whether the combo # 7 comes with mustard so I guess I should probably ask the counter staff whether it does. But how? Do you just say "Does the cheeseburger in combo # 7 have mustard on it?" That doesn't sound right. That can't be right. Is that really how you ask a question? Maybe I'll just say "I'd like a combo # 7 without mustard," whether or not it comes with mustard. But then the counter staff will think I'm a moron for not knowing how to order food. I should totally know whether the cheeseburger has mustard, shouldn't I? Is that a thing a person should know? Oh holy crap, it's my turn next. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Wait. What am I ordering again? Mustard? Mustard had something to do with it. Why would I just order mustard? I don't even like mustard. Mustard is a funny word. MUSStard. MusTERRRRRD. Oh my god the counter staff is looking at me. Where am I? What do I do? I'm just going to leave the restaurant or I think I might have a heart attack, and not from this greasy-ass food. I can make some toast at home. Mmm, toast.
Now, time to go home and scare the beejesus out of myself even further with some cheesy old movie. Happy Halloween, everyone!
I missed all the rad parties this weekend, because I was at an even-radder party: Alice's wedding to Dawson!
A huge cybercongratulations goes out to Alice and Dawson, who I am sure are going to be deliriously happy together when they're not trying to avoid a mental breakdown dealing with their adorable little hellraiser. So I hope you'll join me in wishing them a very happy life together. If their wedding was any indication of how happy they'll be, then they certainly don't need any luck in that department - they've got all the love they're going to need. Anyone who knows Alice will know what a big deal it was that she managed to bag a man who was willing to participate in not one, not two, but three choreographed dance routines. These two are made for each other. <3 Cheers to the happy couple!
But, back to Halloween. I have a rather short and silly post today. I figured in the spirit of everyone's favourite scary day, I would post a few of the weirdest things that terrify me. I wonder if any of the following makes anyone else nervous?
1. Escalators
I don't know why but I always get a minor, but real, thrill when stepping on/off an escalator. Remember when you were a kid and you believed that if you didn't time your step properly, you'd get sucked into the crack that separates the escalator from the regular floor and your feet would get sliced off at the ankles and your bones would be slowly and agonizingly crushed to leave your parents weeping over your lifeless flattened body? Well, as a grown-up, those fears have been replaced by the much more reasonable "I might trip and look like a jackass" fear. But still. It's scary.
2. Stairs with holes in them
Stairs with gaps between each step should not exist. Because people who are afraid of heights (which, as I've mentioned, is an entirely legitimate fear) will believe that they will slip and fall through the cracks and die. It does not matter if I am far too large to fit through a three-inch crack. The holes also serve to remind me how high up I am, and every time I walk up those stairs (seriously, every fucking time) I grip the railing tightly and hyperventilate a little bit because I am mentally picturing the stairs crumbling under my weight and I crash to the floor beneath me with a shriek of doom.
3. Going through customs/airport security
I am fully aware that I have not packed any drugs, weapons, or foreign animals with my luggage. I know. I packed it. I'm also aware that I don't actually own any weapons or drugs, and I don't intend on bringing my cats on an airplane. But every time I go through security - every time - there's that tiny part of me that worries I forgot to take my nail file out of my purse and the security guards are going to beat me down and question me for suspected manicure terrorism, or that I somehow have an old joint from seven years ago that for some reason was in my purse I only use infrequently and I'm going to get whisked away to a Thai prison like in Brokedown Palace. It doesn't matter that I've never even been to Thailand. That's always the prison I picture.
4. That scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I where the snake in Bathilda's house jumps up and snaps at the camera
I'm not including horror movies, because those are supposed to be scary (and rarely are). But this is Harry Potter! I didn't sign up for this. It's a scary part, guys. Makes me jump every time, however-many viewings later.
5. Ordering food when stoned
I think I want to order a cheeseburger. But I don't want mustard because I don't like mustard and if the cheeseburger comes with mustard it will ruin the experience for me because I am ravenous but also suffering from hyper-sensitive taste buds at present. I am pretty sure if the cheeseburger has mustard I will throw up all over the table, even though I don't actually hate mustard all that much. But I don't even know whether the combo # 7 comes with mustard so I guess I should probably ask the counter staff whether it does. But how? Do you just say "Does the cheeseburger in combo # 7 have mustard on it?" That doesn't sound right. That can't be right. Is that really how you ask a question? Maybe I'll just say "I'd like a combo # 7 without mustard," whether or not it comes with mustard. But then the counter staff will think I'm a moron for not knowing how to order food. I should totally know whether the cheeseburger has mustard, shouldn't I? Is that a thing a person should know? Oh holy crap, it's my turn next. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Wait. What am I ordering again? Mustard? Mustard had something to do with it. Why would I just order mustard? I don't even like mustard. Mustard is a funny word. MUSStard. MusTERRRRRD. Oh my god the counter staff is looking at me. Where am I? What do I do? I'm just going to leave the restaurant or I think I might have a heart attack, and not from this greasy-ass food. I can make some toast at home. Mmm, toast.
Now, time to go home and scare the beejesus out of myself even further with some cheesy old movie. Happy Halloween, everyone!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tattoos and the Usual Questions
I'm back, internet!
I have been seriously neglecting my blogging duties for quite a while now, haven't I? But I'm not going to apologize for that. It's my blog. I blog when I want to blog. I OWN YOU.
But seriously, I do actually have a good reason for being so unbloggy lately. I have a very seasonal job. I work in communications for the national office of an education-centered charity. The summer months are slower, the winter months get a little more action, but the fall and the spring - COMMUNICATIONS INSANITY. I just returned from a work conference out in the lovely province of Prince Edward Island, and the past month or so has been nuts leading up to it. But now it's done! Behind me! And I can breathe a little more easily knowing I didn't spill red wine all over our board of directors or accidentally trip my boss into the Atlantic Ocean or anything like that. I still have a job, guys!
One of the helpful things about these national conferences is that the (provincial) branch representatives and national board and staff all come together face-to-face. When you live in Ottawa but have colleagues in Victoria, Halifax, and everywhere in between, these face-to-face meetings are really valuable for recognizing your colleagues as living, breathing human beings. So get-to-know-each-other icebreaker activities are almost always a part of these conferences, and this weekend, everyone learned something about me: I have 3 tattoos.
I have been seriously neglecting my blogging duties for quite a while now, haven't I? But I'm not going to apologize for that. It's my blog. I blog when I want to blog. I OWN YOU.
But seriously, I do actually have a good reason for being so unbloggy lately. I have a very seasonal job. I work in communications for the national office of an education-centered charity. The summer months are slower, the winter months get a little more action, but the fall and the spring - COMMUNICATIONS INSANITY. I just returned from a work conference out in the lovely province of Prince Edward Island, and the past month or so has been nuts leading up to it. But now it's done! Behind me! And I can breathe a little more easily knowing I didn't spill red wine all over our board of directors or accidentally trip my boss into the Atlantic Ocean or anything like that. I still have a job, guys!
One of the helpful things about these national conferences is that the (provincial) branch representatives and national board and staff all come together face-to-face. When you live in Ottawa but have colleagues in Victoria, Halifax, and everywhere in between, these face-to-face meetings are really valuable for recognizing your colleagues as living, breathing human beings. So get-to-know-each-other icebreaker activities are almost always a part of these conferences, and this weekend, everyone learned something about me: I have 3 tattoos.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Them Juicy Leaves Archive: High-Brow TV
This is the page where I will be posting random lists of things that I think are truly and undeniably awesome. I will update every month or six weeks or whenever I damn well feel like it.
This month's edition: High-Brow TV!
Do you think TV is super lame? Do you think it's all Simon Cowell and Charlie Sheen and "Celebrity" Apprentice and CSI: *insert city here*? Well I am here to prove you that TV is not lame, and that there are some quality, sophisticated shows out there you should consider watching. This is but a small selection of the best of the best...read on and then go out and get caught up!
(As I pointed out in my leading post, I am by no means a TV snob, and I like a lot of unsophisticated stuff too...but today, I'm trying to win you over, so I present to you the shows that prove I am a classy-ass bitch.)
I should probably advise you that there is at least one NSFW picture in here. And now that I've really got your interest...
Mad Men
Why should you watch Mad Men? It is necessary to watch Mad Men if you want to get your TV Lovers Membership Card. Mad Men is pretty much the boss of television right now. And I'll tell you why: it's not because Mad Men has good actors, phenomenal writing, and a captivating plot, although it does have all those things. But also: suits. And martinis. And smoking, but not the shameful apologetic balcony smoking of today. It is pride smoking. Desk smoking. If you don't smoke like the characters on Mad Men, you're uncivilized and Don Draper will judge you from behind his cigarette and cocktail.
[I have to add a side note. You should not watch Mad Men until you can properly understand and identify subversion. Mad Men is not reflecting wistfully on the "pre-politically-correct" days of the 60's. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but the show is actually starkly commenting on those things, in a negative manner. Liking Mad Men does not justify treating women like shit, slapping your children around and/or using offensive gay or ethnic slurs. If you do not understand subversion, you are not allowed to watch Mad Men. Step away from the television set and consult your local bookstore for more information.]
The Walking Dead
If you think it seems odd to name a zombie show in a list of "high-brow" entertainment, then you are officially terrible and you haven't seen the Walking Dead.
There are several reasons that the Walking Dead is a great show. Many people will tell you that this is because it is about the humans, the survivors of the zombie infestation; it is not really a zombie show, but a post-apocalyptic drama. These people are, technically, correct. But come on - it's a tv show where zombies make regular appearances. And it has a very sexy main character, who often kills said zombies with guns or rocks or whatever else he has at his disposal. And if I need to tell you why hot guys killing zombies = awesome, then once again: this show is too good for you. Go watch American Idol.
(Warning: this teaser clip with a scene from Season 2 is epicly violent and possibly triggering.)
Dexter
Dexter almost defies genre. There are three different ways I could describe it:
1) Dexter is a cop show! It's about a brother-and-sister crimefighting team, raised by a cop father, who work together with their friends in the police department to bring down the criminal network in Miami. The brother is an introverted genius with a secret talent and a dark outlook on life, and the sister is a foul-mouthed detective on a mission for justice. Each season, they're hunting after a new serial killer the likes of which Florida has never seen. CAN THEY DO IT?
2) Dexter is a family drama! It's a heartrending story about a brother and sister whose parents died young, leaving them alone together to navigate their relationships, careers, and adulthood in general. The sister is unlucky in love, moving from one relationship to the next and always chasing after Mr. Wrong; she dives full-tilt into her career to give her life meaning. The brother is a bit of a social outcast, trying to settle into family life, feeling as though nothing fits. Their friends at the police station face similar battles and together, they're just trying to find sense in this crazy world. WILL THEY EVER FIND LOVE?
3) Dexter is a show about a sociopathic vigilante serial killer who ties people down with saran wrap and torments them with photographs of people they've wronged, before chopping them up into pieces, dumping their bodies in the Atlantic, and storing their blood in slides in his air conditioner unit. HOLY MOTHERLOVING HELL.
Parks and Recreation
OK, so it's a network sitcom, unlike the other shows listed here. But it's a critically acclaimed sitcom and it has Amy Poehler. And I admit I discovered this one rather recently. I couldn't even name all the characters. But I fell pretty hard for this show. You will like this show if you like:
-laughter
-things that are funny
-funny things that will make you laugh
I mean, it has Amy Poehler, Rob Lowe, Rashida Jones and Aziz Ansari all in one show. That should be enough. But if not, then seriously, just watch it and laugh, and then laugh again, and then you'll see.
It's more than just the lulz, though; in Leslie Knope, Amy Poehler has probably given us the most lovable protagonist on television right now. I mean, let's just to compare her to most of the other protagonists mentioned here: Don Draper is the ultimate anti-hero, Dexter Morgan is hardly cuddly, and most True Blood fans watch the show despite Sookie Stackhouse. The one possible exception, Rick Grimes, is definitely your true American workaday zombie-killing hero, and we do love him. But Leslie Knope? No person has ever been so singularly awesome, ever, in the history of awesomeness.
True Blood
I have been writing this piece for like a month now. One of the reasons it's taken me so long is because I have been thinking through all my favourite TV shows and trying to decide which ones count as "high brow." There are some shows I like that are definitely outside the high-brow arena: I like Glee, but I full-on concede that it is terribly written and horribly acted and how Matthew Morrison was nominated for an Emmy is something that will forever mystify me. The Office and How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory are all really funny and well-done, and even occasionally pretty smart, but I would be hesitant to call them "high brow" shows.
I have been back and forth over whether or not I should include True Blood in this list. Let's face it: True Blood is not Mad Men. True Blood is a show built on a foundation of gratuitous sex, fake southern accents and ridiculous supernatural creatures like fucking werepanthers. It has been cast exclusively by the Hot Twentysomethings Club and there isn't a person alive, male or female, gay or straight, supe or mortal, that doesn't even partly watch the show because they want to fuck at least one person in the cast. I'll give you a minute to enjoy those. (Suggestion: If you're not at work, turn off safe search and spend some quality True Blood Google Image alone time! YOU'RE WELCOME.)
True Blood does have its own brand of depth, though. The polical analogies threaded throughout the series are anything but subtle, but they're definitely interesting. This is Alan Ball, after all: the man that brought us Six Feet Under and American Beauty could hardly tell a story without including a gay rights struggle, even if that struggle is depicted metaphorically with loud-and-proud vampires and closeted werewolves. "God hates fangs"? "Coming out of the coffin"? Ha! Fans of quality punning should really find the time to watch True Blood.
So I am including it. Am I including it as high-brow just because it's on HBO and I feel as though it must therefore be artistically relevant? Maybe. Am I including it because we're coming up to the Season 4 finale and I'm totally psyched? Almost definitely. And that says a whole lot more about my perception of HBO and low attention span than it does about True Blood's quality programming, I guess. But if there's anything I like doing more than admiring Ryan Kwanten's abs, it is talking about Ryan Kwanten's abs, and blogging about True Blood gives me the chance to do both.
Please join me in being really, really happy that this picture exists. I don't know why, or how, or when it happened. But it happened, and that is enough. If the Internet breaks tomorrow, and no print copies of this picture exist anywhere, and the wings are burned up in a tragic photo studio fire, and Ryan Kwanten develops a severe paprazzi-induced phobia of cameras, leaving literally no chance that the picture could ever be taken again and is lost to the world forever - if all of this happens, just close your eyes and remember that this existed once. And happiness will be yours for even just a simple, fleeting moment - and you'll have True Blood to thank.
Archived Them Juicy Leaves editions:
Harry Potter
This month's edition: High-Brow TV!
Do you think TV is super lame? Do you think it's all Simon Cowell and Charlie Sheen and "Celebrity" Apprentice and CSI: *insert city here*? Well I am here to prove you that TV is not lame, and that there are some quality, sophisticated shows out there you should consider watching. This is but a small selection of the best of the best...read on and then go out and get caught up!
(As I pointed out in my leading post, I am by no means a TV snob, and I like a lot of unsophisticated stuff too...but today, I'm trying to win you over, so I present to you the shows that prove I am a classy-ass bitch.)
I should probably advise you that there is at least one NSFW picture in here. And now that I've really got your interest...
Mad Men
Why should you watch Mad Men? It is necessary to watch Mad Men if you want to get your TV Lovers Membership Card. Mad Men is pretty much the boss of television right now. And I'll tell you why: it's not because Mad Men has good actors, phenomenal writing, and a captivating plot, although it does have all those things. But also: suits. And martinis. And smoking, but not the shameful apologetic balcony smoking of today. It is pride smoking. Desk smoking. If you don't smoke like the characters on Mad Men, you're uncivilized and Don Draper will judge you from behind his cigarette and cocktail.
 |
| I do not understand your healthful ways. |
[I have to add a side note. You should not watch Mad Men until you can properly understand and identify subversion. Mad Men is not reflecting wistfully on the "pre-politically-correct" days of the 60's. Some of you may be surprised to hear this, but the show is actually starkly commenting on those things, in a negative manner. Liking Mad Men does not justify treating women like shit, slapping your children around and/or using offensive gay or ethnic slurs. If you do not understand subversion, you are not allowed to watch Mad Men. Step away from the television set and consult your local bookstore for more information.]
The Walking Dead
If you think it seems odd to name a zombie show in a list of "high-brow" entertainment, then you are officially terrible and you haven't seen the Walking Dead.
There are several reasons that the Walking Dead is a great show. Many people will tell you that this is because it is about the humans, the survivors of the zombie infestation; it is not really a zombie show, but a post-apocalyptic drama. These people are, technically, correct. But come on - it's a tv show where zombies make regular appearances. And it has a very sexy main character, who often kills said zombies with guns or rocks or whatever else he has at his disposal. And if I need to tell you why hot guys killing zombies = awesome, then once again: this show is too good for you. Go watch American Idol.
(Warning: this teaser clip with a scene from Season 2 is epicly violent and possibly triggering.)
Dexter
Dexter almost defies genre. There are three different ways I could describe it:
1) Dexter is a cop show! It's about a brother-and-sister crimefighting team, raised by a cop father, who work together with their friends in the police department to bring down the criminal network in Miami. The brother is an introverted genius with a secret talent and a dark outlook on life, and the sister is a foul-mouthed detective on a mission for justice. Each season, they're hunting after a new serial killer the likes of which Florida has never seen. CAN THEY DO IT?
2) Dexter is a family drama! It's a heartrending story about a brother and sister whose parents died young, leaving them alone together to navigate their relationships, careers, and adulthood in general. The sister is unlucky in love, moving from one relationship to the next and always chasing after Mr. Wrong; she dives full-tilt into her career to give her life meaning. The brother is a bit of a social outcast, trying to settle into family life, feeling as though nothing fits. Their friends at the police station face similar battles and together, they're just trying to find sense in this crazy world. WILL THEY EVER FIND LOVE?
3) Dexter is a show about a sociopathic vigilante serial killer who ties people down with saran wrap and torments them with photographs of people they've wronged, before chopping them up into pieces, dumping their bodies in the Atlantic, and storing their blood in slides in his air conditioner unit. HOLY MOTHERLOVING HELL.
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| Fun for the whole family! |
Parks and Recreation
OK, so it's a network sitcom, unlike the other shows listed here. But it's a critically acclaimed sitcom and it has Amy Poehler. And I admit I discovered this one rather recently. I couldn't even name all the characters. But I fell pretty hard for this show. You will like this show if you like:
-laughter
-things that are funny
-funny things that will make you laugh
I mean, it has Amy Poehler, Rob Lowe, Rashida Jones and Aziz Ansari all in one show. That should be enough. But if not, then seriously, just watch it and laugh, and then laugh again, and then you'll see.
It's more than just the lulz, though; in Leslie Knope, Amy Poehler has probably given us the most lovable protagonist on television right now. I mean, let's just to compare her to most of the other protagonists mentioned here: Don Draper is the ultimate anti-hero, Dexter Morgan is hardly cuddly, and most True Blood fans watch the show despite Sookie Stackhouse. The one possible exception, Rick Grimes, is definitely your true American workaday zombie-killing hero, and we do love him. But Leslie Knope? No person has ever been so singularly awesome, ever, in the history of awesomeness.
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| AWESOME. |
True Blood
I have been writing this piece for like a month now. One of the reasons it's taken me so long is because I have been thinking through all my favourite TV shows and trying to decide which ones count as "high brow." There are some shows I like that are definitely outside the high-brow arena: I like Glee, but I full-on concede that it is terribly written and horribly acted and how Matthew Morrison was nominated for an Emmy is something that will forever mystify me. The Office and How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory are all really funny and well-done, and even occasionally pretty smart, but I would be hesitant to call them "high brow" shows.
I have been back and forth over whether or not I should include True Blood in this list. Let's face it: True Blood is not Mad Men. True Blood is a show built on a foundation of gratuitous sex, fake southern accents and ridiculous supernatural creatures like fucking werepanthers. It has been cast exclusively by the Hot Twentysomethings Club and there isn't a person alive, male or female, gay or straight, supe or mortal, that doesn't even partly watch the show because they want to fuck at least one person in the cast. I'll give you a minute to enjoy those. (Suggestion: If you're not at work, turn off safe search and spend some quality True Blood Google Image alone time! YOU'RE WELCOME.)
True Blood does have its own brand of depth, though. The polical analogies threaded throughout the series are anything but subtle, but they're definitely interesting. This is Alan Ball, after all: the man that brought us Six Feet Under and American Beauty could hardly tell a story without including a gay rights struggle, even if that struggle is depicted metaphorically with loud-and-proud vampires and closeted werewolves. "God hates fangs"? "Coming out of the coffin"? Ha! Fans of quality punning should really find the time to watch True Blood.
So I am including it. Am I including it as high-brow just because it's on HBO and I feel as though it must therefore be artistically relevant? Maybe. Am I including it because we're coming up to the Season 4 finale and I'm totally psyched? Almost definitely. And that says a whole lot more about my perception of HBO and low attention span than it does about True Blood's quality programming, I guess. But if there's anything I like doing more than admiring Ryan Kwanten's abs, it is talking about Ryan Kwanten's abs, and blogging about True Blood gives me the chance to do both.
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| No, I don't have a fucking clue why he's wearing angel wings. WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THE WINGS??? |
Please join me in being really, really happy that this picture exists. I don't know why, or how, or when it happened. But it happened, and that is enough. If the Internet breaks tomorrow, and no print copies of this picture exist anywhere, and the wings are burned up in a tragic photo studio fire, and Ryan Kwanten develops a severe paprazzi-induced phobia of cameras, leaving literally no chance that the picture could ever be taken again and is lost to the world forever - if all of this happens, just close your eyes and remember that this existed once. And happiness will be yours for even just a simple, fleeting moment - and you'll have True Blood to thank.
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